butterflies create havoc…

not real butterflies, but the ones that were in my stomach last night as i auditioned. i should of blogged last night, but instead my mind ran in circles while my eyes tried to sleep. yesterday during the day, i had felt peace and contentment with whatever might happen. when i arrived, things that i had assumed were wrong and the situation freaked me out a little. i had pictured the auditions happening in an office or small room…they were on the main stage. i had pictured a few people watching, about three…nope, around fifteen. as i sat down, i tried to relax and stop being nervous. they had asked me to be there a half hour before my audition time, so i figured i had time to just chill. five minutes later, i was up. all of the techniques and things i was going to focus on during my song disappeared and were replaced by psychotic butterflies. imagine singing during an earthquake. my voice cracked and i was off at times. i’m frustrated with my performance, but i’m always very critical of myself, not to mention i’m a perfectionist. it was great to have a friend there who encouraged me and told me i did good. it is definitely in God’s hands whether or not i make it. i don’t know when i will know.

today, i look back and try and figure out how i could have done better. i really don’t know other than not to be fearful. easier said than done. i feel like i have been called to do this but i feel so inadequate. but, so did moses. he had a speaking problem, possibly a stutter and God wanted him to go to Pharoah and tell Pharoah what to do. God didn’t and doesn’t care how inadequate we feel, but equipts us and stretches us enough to remind us that He alone is in control.

i prayed that a miracle would happen last night. my voice would be magnificent and they would be blown away by my unabandoned praise. instead, i was humbled. i’m okay with that. all i know is that i wouldn’t have made it onto american idol. :o) no worries, i’ve never really wanted to anyways.


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