emotional vomit

i’m warning you…this post will be raw and un-edited…a reflection of my week’s thoughts, turmoil and tears.

i don’t know where to start. well, there really is no logical place so…

  • my heart is so heavy. time is slipping away in a fog of oppression. i feel the need to be more productive, more dedicated, more everything and yet feel like i’m stuck in mud. there are people around…i feel their love, but i don’t reach out. the mud is messy, a burden, and not pretty. i recognize my weakness in isolation. one step at a time. i’m reaching out more, but i know God wants more for me.
  • earlier this week, during this emotional chaos i felt so alone. i was blinded from seeing the multitude of amazing friends i have. it’s been such a blessing to cry out to God and be so overwhelmed with reminders of the people who care. i don’t know what i would do without you guys.
  • while reading the story of jonah in a children’s bible this week, i gained a new perspective. how did the people on the ship with jonah respond to the need to throw him overboard? they were terrified! they tried everything else first… when i know i need to do something and it may hurt me or others, i respond similarly. BUT God has a plan. who would’ve thought a huge fish would come to swallow jonah and spit him out on land? not me! i wonder if those sailors ever found out the rest of the story?
  • i woke up at 4:50 am to take my parents to the airport this morning. bleh. it’s almost time for me to take a morning nap. i like my sleep.
  • most likely i will not be able to go to chad’s funeral. this is hard, but i realize that being there is not the only way to process and mourn his death. i NEED to take time to do that. i have a tendency to stuff my emotions until something triggers an explosion. a ticking time bomb. no good.
  • i have put my singing audition on the back burner. hmmm. if that’s not my typical perfectionistic procrastination, i don’t know what is. anyways, i need to kick this! thinking about time priorities lately had me briefly thinking that this needs to wait, but i know that i’m using that as an excuse and an easy way out. I KNOW GOD WANTS ME TO DO THIS. time to get moving.
  • nice weather is on it’s way this weekend. words cannot express how much this delights me. ah, to feel the warmth of the sun on my face. now all i need is my convertible…
  • saturday. i just decided that saturday is the day. no tv, no movies, no shopping. a day to mourn. a day to rest in the gracious arms of the Great Healer.
  • i need a vacation. the fatigue of striving, the darkness of the world and the drive of perfectionism has burnt me out. a breath of fresh ocean air with a hint of surfboard wax would do. the frigid water piercing through the fog of life as i feel the power of the ocean under the surfboard. OR laying in this hammock.
  • the miles between talia and i are breaking my heart. this week i have felt the distance more than any other time. maybe i should kidnap talia and bring her to the beach with me…
  • i crave pop, junk food and pizza when i’m stressed. this doesn’t help the fact that i’m trying to eat healthier. my ability to resist my comfort foods was pretty much demolished this week.
  • things that make me happy (in no order whatsoever) — donuts after waking up REALLY early, baby giggles, my mom not being able to tell my brother something because she is laughing too hard, watching the sunrise (although this doesn’t happen often for me…have i mentioned i like sleep?), planning a hike for this sunday with a friend, knowing that God’s grace is enough, feeling lighter after releasing pent-up emotions

well, i’ve finally run out of things to say. time for my nap.


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