i said i would update this today and i almost didn’t. my thoughts are buzzing around my head and i haven’t had time to catch them all and tame them. i’m not even sure what all is in there. with that being said, i’m not going to worry about being chronological OR logical and just dive in.
someone has been pushing all of my buttons. between God, people and satan, i’m not sure who or if it’s all of the above. i was feeling content with where i was. it has been eye-opening to realize how easily my wounds can be re-opened and i feel like the healing process has to start all over again. the insecurities i have in my body, my yellow teeth, my goofy sense of humor, and the way i act in new situations have seemed like screaming discouragements in my ears. i feel like i am not cool enough, pretty enough or outgoing enough to be who i wish i could be. in this place of vulnerability, i’m trying to allow God to be my source instead of playing the comparison game.
my schedule needs to change. i feel like i will fly off of a waterfall if i continue in this river of insanity. at this moment in my life i am just stretched too thin. i recently opened up to someone about this and was reminded that my schedule is nothing compared to theirs. it was painful to hear. i know my limitations and felt that those comments highlighted the fact that i am weak. the fear of losing relationships has kept me from implementing some changes, but i feel like God is challenging me to let go of that. no clue how it will look at this point.
so many people in my life, so little time. it drives me nuts to lose contact with people or realize how little i know about what is going on in their lives. old friends, new friends and family alike. i feel like i’m failing them.
my room is still a mess. it hasn’t been totally clean since before i moved. this definitely adds another level to my frustration. it just isn’t as peaceful unless it is clean.
i have hit this wall and have felt the need for change in so many areas in my life. being a good over-achieving perfectionist i want it all to happen at once. can you see where this is going? i have been struggling with even the simple tasks because the weight is so immense.
on the other hand, the sun is out and my convertible has allowed me to enjoy it even more. i am blessed with the overwhelming amount of people i love. magnolia trees are blooming everywhere and i even saw a bunch of baby ones as i was driving by a nursery today. i cried happy tears today while watching the Biggest Loser as i watched people in the process of changing their lives. i have so much to be thankful for.
that isn’t everything, but those were the biggest bugs i could catch. it is now a little quieter in my brain. i promise it won’t be too long before i post again. now i’m off to put the top down and cruise over to catch up on American Idol with people i love.