where am i?

fearful that i would be overwhelmed with life, this summer i have retreated.  i have taken a step back from nearly every relationship but depth is what i have been yearning for the most.  the situation baffles me until i realize how much i desire to be seen.  when i disappear, will anyone see me? 

i haven’t really gone anywhere.  physically i am present, but my interactions are just skin deep.  i answer questions with trivial nonsense that are relevant but not deep.

a week ago, a dear friend looked me in the eyes and asked me how i was doing.  it had been an amazing day…perfect weather, i had run and worked out that morning, had strawberry pancakes for breakfast and was wandering downtown enjoying family, cars, and seeing lots of friends.  in the midst of the busy crowd, i ferociously fought back tears as i replied.  i had been seen and i knew they wanted to know the truth.

i’m afraid to be real.  i don’t want to burden my stuff on anyone else.  i don’t want to be the emotional, unstable one.  i’m afraid people don’t really want to know where i am.  i’m scared out of my mind that the people who i think are my biggest supports don’t want to support me.

something desperately needs to change and risk is inevitable.  i can’t do this alone.

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