…instead, i feel a word vomit coming on.
i went to the gym tonight much later in the evening than i usually do. my lack of control around sweets, getting sick and my overall contentment to lazy around the last couple of months have all joined forces to sabotage my body and lower my confidence a few notches. my workout felt great when it was over…during, not so much. a light bulb came on during the drive home about being real and gave me new insight.
in a sense, a lot of the things i do aren’t real. hours tick by watching meaningless tv shows, browsing endless facebook updates and reading words that have no value. while drifting in this haze of “activity”, my life is passing me by. i’m realizing again how connected the physical, spiritual, mental and emotional parts of me are. after an exhausting (and nauseating) workout i am flooded with the emotions that i’ve stuffed down and tried to ignore. apparently getting my rear off of the couch inspires the rest of me to move forward as well.
i have slept restlessly the last two nights which is a definite rarity for me. i feel like so many unfounded emotions or unwanted stress is weighing me down, but most i can’t even identify. BUT i am beyond excited knowing that i am going on a prayer retreat soon. just God and i. at the beach. if you live in the northwest, check this out…
ok…last thing before these little eyes get a rest. here is a snippet of “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge that describes me perfectly right now.
“Every woman I’ve ever met feels it — something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy….
We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought — that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain — uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.
Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more…”