to be honest, i haven’t been thrilled about the change of seasons in my life. i wasn’t tired of summer yet even though it had lasted for about eight months between oregon, belize and south africa. but it isn’t just the weather. i wasn’t ready to say goodbye to my team.
the transition was harsh as i flew overnight from summer to the dead of winter and then tearfully hugged my closest friends and watched them walk away. i can’t describe the depth of love i have for them and i’m scared to try because it almost feels like too much. i am struggling with how much to hold on and love them…but it seems silly once i think about it. would i rather be known as someone who loves extravagantly or do i want draw back when i’m faced with the fear of not being loved as much in return? parts of my heart are scattered around the world and i feel desperate to reconnect in any way. the dull ache from the separation lingers daily as almost everything reminds me of one of them.
communication has been minimal lately and i feel like God is allowing this distance to teach me a few things. i am having to stretch out my wings again and keep pushing for the freedom that i fought for with my team by my side. kinda like a toddler who learned how to walk on plush carpet stepping outside and walking on concrete…vulnerability is more scary and risky outside of our little YWAM bubble.
in all of this God has been faithful to provide. currently i have been so blessed to notice the people He has placed in my path who are genuinely interested in my adventures…both friends i have known for years and others who i’ve barely talked to before now. stepping beyond the pain of certain people’s indifference has been hard but i have had the privilege of sharing my story with so many people and for that i am thankful.
this winter atmosphere seems to make me feel sluggish and the dreary days reveal the stark reality of my solitude. but i have found that functioning in this slower pace has highlighted friends who are as desperate for sunshine and hope as i am.
i’m learning that maybe the beauty of this bleak season is the way it strips you down to your core and prepares you for the upcoming growth and flowering of spring.