discouragement and apathy have been wearing down my defenses. slipping into survival mode and taking things into my own hands worsens the cycle as i step away from the source of hope and strength. frustrations rise as i allow myself to get sucked into old patterns and behaviors…i thought i had already learned that these ways don’t work. comfort food, mind-numbing tv shows and seclusion draw me away from facing the truth in my current situation, but they only add to the problem.
i still struggle with the lie that i should be able to do this on my own…without God or the support of others. i hate the fact that this continues to be a part of my life story. the other night in church i sat completely broken during worship and began to write out my heart’s cry. seeing my thoughts written on paper was a wake up call which led to a sweet time of realization.
i hate who i am without God.
today was a new day. i can’t remember the last time i just relaxed to worship music and allowed God to pour into my heart. as the songs played and the walls that i have been building slowly fell, i rested…actually dozing in and out of sleep as truth was being sung over me. time wasn’t an issue and all the weight seemed to have lifted off of my shoulders as i admitted that i can’t do this alone. after this sweet time of refreshment, today’s bible reading plan lead me to Matthew 11:28-30.