the steady roll of waves have left me gasping for air. the illusion of having it together has been replaced with the desperate longing to just keep my head above the water. holding on tightly to so many things while treading water is just not possible. i am overwhelmed.
a sadness washes over me as i allow the disappointment i feel that i am to surface. yet again i am learning that i am not enough. in the rare quiet moments of my day, i distinctly feel a sinking sensation that describes this season so well…surrendering to the pull of the deep water sounds so appealing. although seemingly drastic and destructive at first, tonight i began to see the truth of it all.
my source of life, hope and sustainment has never left me. although so much bigger than just this, think about God as your personal SCUBA gear for a few minutes. i will continue to struggle, be beaten and battered by the waves and be completely exhausted if i choose to stubbornly try to do this thing called life on my own. the SCUBA gear has been firmly secured to my back the entire time, but it isn’t until i fully trust and slowly sink deeper into the water that the peace comes.
the chaos on the surface becomes distant and muted as i relax into the gentle weightlessness of the water. my grasp of time gets hazy and life seems to slow down. it is quiet here and i allow myself to listen. the intensity of the beating of my heart lessens and a new rhythm settles in. beauty surrounds me and i am overwhelmed by new perspective. i’m not oblivious to the rain continuing to pelt the stormy water above me, but i watch as things dance in purpose and time to a song the Creator is directing. i’m not here on my own strength or abilities because by now my lungs would have begun to scream…in this place there is no question to how i’m surviving.
this is where i want to live.
it’s time to let go and breathe deep of the life He has designed for me.