disobedience.

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i sat during worship on sunday with a dull, flat feeling in my heart.  passion and joy linger only in memories right now.  lately it seems like my time during worship at church has been the only time i have honestly taken the opportunity to open up a conversation with God and allow Him to speak.

as soon as i inquired about why i am here again, the answer was so clear.  i have been disobedient.  many times i have been reminded to write out my heart in this season and i still resist.  excuses come quickly and squelch the gentle reminders.  i don’t doubt that the words will come…i’m afraid of what they will say.  it’s sometimes scary to come face to face with what you are wrestling with below the surface.

sadly i realized that the distance i feel from everything i hold dear has been my choice.  i fill my schedule to the brim and try to balance it all out by checking out on life during my down time.  i have mastered this as a way of surviving the days, weeks and months, but i’m tired of merely surviving…i want to thrive.

so i start again today, because right now is all that i have.  i can’t change yesterday and tomorrow will bring enough distractions to keep me busy.

today i write because it’s all that i know how to do.  i can’t leave this place until i realize where i am.

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One thought on “disobedience.

  1. Good word, friend. Small obediences are still obedience :-) I know that fear of what will pour out in words, I know it well. It takes courage to write the true and the raw and the unfinished. You.can.do.it. Grace and peace to you.

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