i sat during worship on sunday with a dull, flat feeling in my heart. passion and joy linger only in memories right now. lately it seems like my time during worship at church has been the only time i have honestly taken the opportunity to open up a conversation with God and allow Him to speak.
as soon as i inquired about why i am here again, the answer was so clear. i have been disobedient. many times i have been reminded to write out my heart in this season and i still resist. excuses come quickly and squelch the gentle reminders. i don’t doubt that the words will come…i’m afraid of what they will say. it’s sometimes scary to come face to face with what you are wrestling with below the surface.
sadly i realized that the distance i feel from everything i hold dear has been my choice. i fill my schedule to the brim and try to balance it all out by checking out on life during my down time. i have mastered this as a way of surviving the days, weeks and months, but i’m tired of merely surviving…i want to thrive.
so i start again today, because right now is all that i have. i can’t change yesterday and tomorrow will bring enough distractions to keep me busy.
today i write because it’s all that i know how to do. i can’t leave this place until i realize where i am.